just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
