When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
