Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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