Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
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