I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
