shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
