make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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