my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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