Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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