just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize