to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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