Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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