I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize