I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
