her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize