I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
