it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
