Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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