Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
