Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
