A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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