Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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