barbara walters just said penis...
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
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