Little spoons don't ask big questions
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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