Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
