captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
