I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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