You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
