Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
