I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
did you just send me my own nude
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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