My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
