If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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