my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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