I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
