She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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