I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize