My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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