ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
