Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
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