dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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