I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
