She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
