Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
My liver is preforming stress tests.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
