I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
