i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
