I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
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