I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
