my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
