i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
