i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
