this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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