My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
This is my gift to your gina
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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