Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Randomize