I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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